The 3 Keys To Creating Effortless Relationships
If you find yourself in a difficult relationship with someone, or find yourself getting into difficult intimate relationships then the following keys to create effortless relationships will really help:
1) To know that no-one can make you feel anything: What I mean by this is that your hurt or sense of frustration that you think may come from that persons behaviour now or in the past can only come from one place and one place only. Your thinking in that given moment. It cannot come from their behaviour no matter how “mean” or “abusive” it may be or may have been.
Now I know that it may look that way but it cannot work that way at all. It can only work one way and one way only. From the inside. From the nature of thought taking form in that moment. By the time you think their behaviour has affected you, it’s already wrapped up in thought both conscious and unconscious. And I am not talking about the content of your thoughts, but more your state of mind – your mood.
Now for those of you who are thinking – well really? The answer is yes, suffice to say that if it wasn’t like this then everybody would react in the same way. I was asked the other day, but what of people who abuse others. Surely their feelings of hurt must come from what the abuser has done. And although it may seem that’s the case, it isn’t – otherwise everyone that has been through that experience would experience it in the same way. Some let it go on for years, whereas others wouldn’t stand for it at all.
So what if that person doesn’t want to speak to you anymore? Well in that case – you will need to make peace with your situation and how it stands. But if you can see that your happiness and well-being doesn’t depend on them opening up or them coming back to you, then you are free to okay no matter what the situation is.
MISTAKE I SEE PEOPLE MAKE IS thinking that their hurt, anger and frustration is coming from what the other person has done or is doing but it really doesn’t work that way.
Some of the implications of understanding this are
You blame the other person for what they have done or are doing
You feel insecure around them and may not speak out
You avoid connection, even though you crave it for fear of being hurt again
You fear and sabotage relationships by leaving first believing that relationships are too painful
You will seek validation from outside of you thinking that’s what you want
2) Realise that you are not responsible for how someone else thinks: Which leads me onto the next point. What if you were to see that you are not responsible for how someone else thinks? And by thinking I mean feels. As thought and feeling are part of the same coin.
You can put two people in the same situation and they will not have the same response. We all live in our own thought felt realities. IE – we think differently from one another depending on our background, history and upbringing. So it would suggest again that your behaviour is not the cause of their hurt or anger or even frustration.
Now this is not to say, that that person is not hurting – but if you could see that they too are innocently caught up in the misunderstanding of what is creating their experience, then it will be easier for you to let go of the guilt.
The mistake I see is that they think they are responsible for how someone feels and so therefore carry the guilt around for years, regret for years that clouds who you really are – this in turn has people stay in relationships for years as they fear hurting the other person – or makes people go back because they want to appease the other person. This is especially true if you have children. I know a lot of mums who suffer mummy guilt and this understanding can liberate them from that.
Some of the IMPLICATIONS of thinking you are responsible for how someone feels are
You carry guilt with you
You may well find yourself appeasing them or feeling that you owe them something so act in that way
You keep going back to that person to make everything better
3) Let go of defending your reality: This is such an important Key to creating effortless relationships! Time and time again I have seen that when we want to defend our reality to someone else – we then assume that their reality should be the same as ours and this can cause us a whole bunch of trouble!
The mistake I see most people make time and time again – and one that I have made many times is “making myself right”. Doing this will effectively make the other person wrong. This in my experience opens the gateway for arguments and assumptions – the termites for any relationships.
If I want to defend my reality I must hold a belief that my reality is right and that would make the other persons wrong. Now this is relevant whether you are single or in a relationship as you may be wondering why the other person hasn’t called you back or behaves completely differently to you. We then assume that they should act like we act and get frustrated or take things personally when they don’t!
Some of the implications of imposing your reality on theirs are you
Will forever want to control them! And in my experience this has NEVER worked!
Will take things personally when we don’t need to
Wont listen to their point of view because the only thing we want to get out of it is winning them over to our point of view
As you can see these keys are critical to creating effortless relationships because of their implications.
If any of these points has changed your perception and you would like to avoid the mistakes that most people make to create more stress in their relationships, take a look at my event Your Pathway To Love by clicking on the button below: