Just Ask for What You Want: Relationship Advice for Better Communication and Intimacy
“Just ask for what you want,” he said. This is what my partner kept saying to me over and over already in the second month of dating. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong! Back then, I didn’t understand masculine/feminine relating in the way I do now. I was completely oblivious to it, like most of my clients in fact.
Understanding Communication in Relationships
When he kept sharing this with me, my little girl was like, “Why can you not just be thoughtful? Why do I have to keep telling you?” I used to get really upset by his request because I innocently thought he was thoughtless. I also found myself indignantly saying things like, “Why should I be the one to...?” I realized that my attitude towards his request was actually where the rub was!
You see, I didn’t realize at the time that asking for what I wanted was actually a struggle. What I don’t under back them is that his aspect is crucial for healthy relationships. Effective communication in relationships requires understanding each other's needs and desires.
How to Ask for What You Want
I was so used to listening to the complaints in my head for fear of being rejected that being able to put into words what I needed, wanted, or desired was a massive stretch. And what I have found out along the way is that this hesitation to express our needs is common. AND yet learning how to ask for what you want without fear is essential for emotional intimacy.
Overcoming the Fear of Rejection
Nevertheless, as I journeyed more deeply into polarity work, I realized that his request was a beautiful gift. The healthy masculine wants to be of deep service to his woman and loves to win points. What a beautiful gesture. It wasn’t until I was asked to contemplate this question: “What is the desire behind the complaint?” that everything started to change. As I kept asking for my desires to be met, it got easier and easier, in spite of his “No” at times. And what I learnt is that overcoming fear of rejection is vital for keeping a supportive and loving relationship.
The Importance of Emotional Intimacy
At the beginning, his “Nos” would bring up a lot for me - and I would either have my little girl tantrums or I would not let on how I felt about it. What I realized is that it was my job (and still is) to sit with the discomfort and not be afraid of the feelings that felt so overwhelming. But what I have seen time and time again is that if I can accept his “No” and find another way, in time he will come back and say “Yes”. You see emotional intimacy grows when both partners feel safe to express their desires and handle rejections maturely.
Building Healthy Relationships
Sometimes his “Nos” are a “Not yet.” The biggest lessons for me here have been to
not make his “Nos” personal to me and respect them, even though I may not agree.
To keep asking for what I desire in spite of the possible “No” as a way to get better at it.
Fully devote to my feminine role and ask for what I want and then appreciate his “Yes”.
That a “No” now can be a “Yes” later.
By voicing my desires, the resentment and disconnection have gone, giving space for intimate connection instead.
This approach is key to building and maintaining healthy relationships.
I know that most of the women I work with struggle to ask for what they want and voice it for fear of rocking the boat or emasculating him. This is why I created the Unshackled Abundance Circle, a space where you can come to discover your financial and emotional desires and voice them. If you know you struggle with sharing your voice out of fear of rocking the boat and are tired of the resentment and disconnection, click on the link below and let’s connect.
