The Sacred Dance of the Pleaser and Abandonment
There is a sacred dance between pleaser and abandonment. To know whether you have this dance going on, you only need to look at how you react when the masculine has pulled away:
Do you become deeply anxious?
Do you feel like you cannot breathe?
Do you react by closing your heart and blaming?
Recognizing the Root of Anxiety
I had never really understood why I would get so anxious when my man would pull away or ask for his own space.
At the time, I didn’t realize that I was carrying a deep-seated fear of abandonment. It seems that I had a belief that I wasn’t enough on my own. And of course, when the masculine pulled back, this story would get triggered. The inner dialogue would always turn to Me, Me, Me—something must be wrong with me.
The Futility of People-Pleasing
And this is where the sacred dance would begin. I would contort myself and attempt to please them in all the ways, so they would come back and not leave.
(For those of you reading this and resonating with this post, you will know by now that this is completely futile.)
This cycle of pleasing can leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves. In our attempt to hold onto love, we often lose sight of our own needs. The more we try to please, the more we become trapped in a cycle that feels exhausting yet inescapable.
Realizing the Source of Our Triggers
And it wasn’t until last year that it suddenly dawned on me that when a man pulled away, and I felt like this, that:
The anxious feeling was coming from me, from my own story of abandonment created by my little girl.
He needed time on his own, to go into his cave, to recuperate after sexual intimacy, work, or tending to others...
This trigger was arising for me to become aware of it, so I could move beyond.
Seeing these triggers as teachers can open doors to profound self-awareness. They invite us to look within, to recognize that the anxiety is not about the other person, but about something unresolved within ourselves. A chance to see that our self-worth need not depend on another's actions.
Moving Beyond the Sacred Dance
None of this was personal and never had been. This was a gamechanger, as I clearly saw the dance of pleaser and abandonment playing out. It no longer made sense to keep this sacred dance alive.
Letting go of this pattern allows for a deeper connection, both with ourselves and with others. In releasing the need to please, we reclaim our power, creating space for true love, rooted in self-acceptance.
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